It's been a long time since I've blogged, but I've been pretty busy and also, pretty lazy. Let me 'splain.
Tomorrow marks 10 months of wedded bliss. In that time, I've gained back the 15 pounds I lost pre-wedding. In true early marriage fashion, I've enjoyed making elaborate recipes for (and eating them with) my husband. We are homebodies and enjoy being at home watching movies more than we enjoy going on a run together. We enjoy sleeping in and, because of our busy schedules, our time together is spent as lazy time. I have fallen in love with my job, at which I sit for most of the day. It's the curse of the office worker. These are not excuses, but reasons for my lack of interest in accomplishing the ongoing goal of being the best version of myself. In my head, my husband thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, so what's the problem? Who do I have to impress?
Myself. I need to impress myself and the simple truth is that I haven't done that in a long time.
I choose clothes to wear not based on their style, but based on the fact that they fit and they are appropriate for work or church. I would LIKE to be stylish, but things just aren't as cute on "big" girls than on petite ones. I used to have things about myself that I loved. My butt, for example, has always been curvy and cute. Lately, it's big and lumpy. My thighs swish together. My arms jiggle like a lunch lady's. I have a double chin. I have to tuck my tummy in to my pants when I sit down and that weird pooch that women get after having tons of kids. In the last year, I've been told I'm "thick" and asked when my husband and I are expecting. Even in the back of the exercise class (where I feel most comfortable) a woman said to me, "us big girls have to stick together." A girl can only take so much in stride.
Let me be clear- I don't need to be a skinny rail. But I do need to have confidence. It's been a fast decline in my confidence that is proportionate to the incline in my weight. I hate being in pictures. I don't wear tank tops, shorts or swimsuits. I can fit into my husband's pants comfortably. Aside from my husband, who tells me I'm beautiful several times daily... not because I need to hear it, but because he genuinely thinks that, I can't remember the last time I was complimented for looking nice or thin. I know that's vain, but a girl wants to be told she looks nice.
I was lamenting this particular problem to my husband. His opinion is that it really shouldn't matter what others think-- shouldn't his opinion of me be enough? Nope. Sorry. I want a stranger or someone I haven't seen in awhile to compliment me. It seems more obligatory when your own husband tells you regularly. I am fully aware of how backwards that is, but at this point that's what I'm dealing with.
The problem is not with working out. I work out, but I'm not the most consistent person in the world. The problem is not with eating well. I drink Shakeology and juice and focus on putting vegetables in everything. The problem again is consistency. I need a network of help and support to boost me up so I CAN be consistent. If I convince myself that I can lose 30+ pounds, I can, right? Right... but I don't have the confidence to do it.
My breaking point came on Saturday. I have a job interview for a promotion at work coming up this week. My sweet husband called me on the way home from work and suggested that we go shop for a new outfit for the interview. I was so excited to get something new, springy, and stylish! I chose some cute skirts, tops, a few dresses and trotted off to the dressing room. Everything looked terrible. I tried different sizes and styles while still trying to be feminine and professional. A lady in the dressing room, who admitted she'd taken Benadryl that afternoon, felt compelled to give me her opinion on everything I tried on. "Well, you need a jacket." "No one wears the right undergarments to buy clothes." "It's pretty busy." "I can tell you don't love it." When she said that, I wanted to yell, "Of COURSE I don't love it, lady! I'm 30 pounds + overweight and I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin!" Instead, I went into the dressing room and fought back tears while donning my own clothes and returning everything to their hangers. My sweet husband was waiting for me ready to see what I had chosen. I couldn't even look at him for fear of bursting into tears... I just said, "I think I want to leave." We drove home in complete silence because he didn't know what to say or do to make me feel better. And this is the part where I get a little angry...
I had a goal of losing 20 pounds before my family vacation this summer. That's not going to happen at this point because if anything, I've gained weight. I need HELP, friends. Any by people who are real. Not people that weighed 120 pounds to begin with and "really wanted to lose 3 pounds" or "just tone up a bit." SHUT UP. I don't have time for you and I don't care about your "struggles." I realize how awful that sounds but going from a size 6 to a 4 is not overcoming an obstacle. Spare me the, "If I can do it, anyone can" nonsense because that's not true at all. Oh you lost three pounds in a week? NEAT. I gained three pounds in a weekend. TOP THAT. I look at these pictures of myself and it's not how I see myself at all. That's why I have such a hard time looking at them, going shopping, etc. I don't see myself as a "big" girl.
So this is my hope and my plan: I vow to get healthier and look better. I will need your help and I'm sure I'll have more than a few frustrated blog posts, but I plan to be more accountable and consistent. Any help is welcome as long as you aren't judgmental. I'm intolerant of it. Hopefully soon I can start seeing the beauty my husband sees. <3
OK You need to chill! My mom has diabetes and weighs like 300 pounds!!!! She can bearly Do anything for herself ! plus shes mental! Being angry about it will get you Nowhere ..I'm sayigm this to you as a friend! Don't be obsessed with weight ! It will destroy you! Trust ME! mAybe if you were actually fat! But your NOT! I know how it feels and I actually understand how you feel ..but you are not Just some fatty because you put on 30 pounds ! that's actually offensive to people who are really Big and can't do anything about it! Be thankful!
ReplyDeleteAlso people with thyroid problems can't ever lose weight at all! Ever! So ya...I take care of my mom have tons or issues with family members on drugs and these people won't even help themselves..I'm just lucky I have GOD and some sense to overcome all that crap and fight on through my life I've never felt victim to any of thatr crap! But you Are creating a problem in yourself and beating yourself up about a issue that you don't even have ! wanna lose weight you Will! but acting like your fat is offensive to people that are actually Overweight and unhealthy ! Sorry but you needed to hear this ! Your husband is prob very annoyed with it at this point ! BTW real men like girls who are not afraid to eat and have weight on them!
DeleteWow, Joseph. I think YOU need to chill. I've known Laura for quite some time and I understand her pain. I, myself, lost 40 lbs a little over a year ago. I was very unhappy with my weight and my life. Also, diabetes is not an excuse to be overweight. True, it makes it harder to lose the weight, but there are healthy ways to achieve weight loss. My family is prone to diabetes and NONE of them are overweight. They have found positive avenues to curb overeating. Just because Laura is not happy with herself does not mean she is going on a rant against anyone and everyone is might be perceived as "overweight." Also, this is HER personal blog and she is allowed to express her opinion. Perhaps you should write your own blog with your own opinions. I would hope that others would respect your views as much as Laura's deserve respect. Have a swell day, buddy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the feedback, friends. This is my personal blog and it's my right to express my opinion, and in this entry, that opinion was anger and frustration with myself. I encourage you to take a look at my other entries and realize that I'm not normally this negative about my appearance. Furthermore, I would venture to say that women deal with extra weight a little differently than men do. It's perceived as being less acceptable/attractive. My intention was not to offend, but to call for motivation and support.
ReplyDeleteNo...men and women perceive extra weight in more or less the same way...and in general it's not in a good way. Men, to the outside world, have to be confident and strong ALL the time...and as a result things like extra weight, which might be perceived as a weakness is something we reject in ourselves generally...women are quicker to find flaws in themselves because society allows them, and in some cases forces them, to.
DeleteI get it. I love working for the company I'm with...but I gained 60ish lbs since I started there...less time doing what I should to be healthy...more time eating cupcakes and stopping at the beer fridge...which is much closer to my desk than the water cooler.
I lost 30 of that 60 and am on the way to the rest of it, not by dieting or starting plans, or worrying about my weight...but rather by accepting that it took me almost 2 years to gain it and might take me two years to lose it (although it's going much faster) and by not having any "cheat days" or "off days" or "splurge days".
I like eating clean...I like eating raw fruits...much more so than ice cream or cake..and I've found that for me at least the idea of those "treats" never left me feeling good and wasn't really even something I wanted to do for me...but rather as a matter of social context.
I started riding my bike more, and spending more time hiking with the dog than throwing the ball for him while I sat still. I started boxing again and dancing on the weekends because I enjoy those things.
I like how weightlifting makes me feel, but I hate the gym...so I bought good equipment, made space for it in my home where there was no space to be had, and set an alarm for myself to use it. At this point I use it because it makes those other things...hiking, biking, boxing, dancing, easier and more fun.
You're an amazing woman...capable of amazing things...and you have the opportunity to do SO many things with your life. The extra weight slows you down...and the things that contribute to gaining it slow you down...so...find a balance that works for you!
More than anything always stay positive...the change you're making is important and find the reason WHY it's important...nothing else matters!
I totally understand how you feel, Laura. I'm right there with you - just about a year into married life and I went to try on last year's shorts this weekend and, well, they just aren't really working on me anymore, to put it politely. I know it's a small thing - I mean, there are starving children, etc - but I also think you've got to feel your best to be the best version of yourself, which you owe to yourself and the world. I completely empathize with your feeling dejected in the way you look despite a positive husband who tells you how beautiful you are all the time. I'm sorry to report I don't have any miracle suggestions on how to lose the extra weight, but I'd love to start holding myself more accountable and live a healthier life so maybe we should be accountability partners or something? Miss you, friend! xx
ReplyDeleteHi Laura,
ReplyDeleteI hope you are otherwise well! I'd like to first say that while you may feel down on yourself, many others still find you pretty in multiple ways. :)
I thought I'd briefly share my story - after vet school graduation and starting my new job, I didn't take very good care of myself and gained nearly 50 lbs in about a year. When I also reached my breaking point (January 2013) I decided to try Metabolic Research Center at the recommendation of my doctor. (She also told me if I wanted to try something on my own the South Beach diet was decent.) I started MRC and didn't look back - in 4 months I lost 45 lbs, and lots of inches! It was pretty much all about eating right, and maintaining your body in a mild state of ketosis. The exercise is minimal (which my personality and work schedule prefer), and they help teach you how to make good choices throughout your life, not just when you're on your food program. At least three other people where I work have also since started MRC and are seeing awesome results.
As I was transitioning I found out I was pregnant, and ended up gaining more than I should since the only thing I could keep down for most of the pregnancy was carbs. However, I will be going back (tomorrow actually!) to get back on track now that the kiddo is here. This time, the husband is joining me too!
MRC isn't the cheapest thing out there, but it's much cheaper than most diet programs. I felt my hard-earned money was worth it, since I was investing in ME, which I hadn't really done before.
Best of luck to you and keep us posted on your journey!
-Liz (Farrington) Miciunas
Hey L!
ReplyDeleteI am in the same boat as you and know exactly what you mean!! I am gained weight that I had lost back in October and I am now like what the h*** has happened! So I am trying new things and going to make myself go work out and eat better. I have cut out pop, which was a huge thing for me, and I am starting to watch what I eat a little better. Just as you said, I had a goal for this summer to be slimmer, ha well that is not looking so good for me right now. The frustrating thing is a few years ago I was able to do it and felt great about myself and now I am like how did I get to this point.
I even went shopping the other day to find some new things to wear and I hated the size I had to try on.....So I decided I wasn't going to settle for that size and I will make myself fit into something smaller. Here's to hoping!!! With a little drive and discipline! You are going to do great and I will help support you because I need that as well in my life!! :)
Laura,
ReplyDeleteYour husband is right. You are beautiful. Your husband is also wrong. His is not the only opinion that is important. The most important opinion is yours. Self-esteem is important. It is not as important as intelligence, competence, kindness, decency, and a strong work ethic, but it is still important. Because with self-esteem comes self-confidence, and self-confidence is an attrubute that shines through and tells everyone that you are a person who is willing and able to accomplish anything, and can therefore be relied upon as an employee, boss, co-worker, partner and friend. The other attributes I mentioned you already possess in abundbance. Only your self-esteem needs attention. If losing weight will restore your self-esteem, then that is what you must do.
Weight loss is big business these days (no pun intended) and there are myriad programs and gimmicks. But in the end, it comes down to arithmetic. If you consume more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. If you burn more calories than you consume, you will lose weight. How many calories and how much weight? One pound of fat is the equivalent of 3500 calories. If you want to lose a pound of fat, you must burn 3500 calories more than you consume. It takes about 10 calories per pound per day to maintain a weight, so if you want to weigh 120 pounds, your net intake must be 1200 calories. If you burn 500 calories on activity and exercise, then you can consume 1700 calories and still maintain the 120 pound weight. It is all just simple arithmetic. Simple, but not easy.
Do not take comfort in the fact that many people are heavier than you are, for that will not help you. Neither be made uncomfortable by the fact that some people are not as heavy as you are, They are traveling their road as you must travel yours. To those of us who love you, you will always be beautiful, but because we love you we want you to be happy. Anything we can do to help you acheive that goal, we will do, and happily.
Dad