Goals and trying to live the dream

Hi everybody! After I posted my blog last week, I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of encouragement I received through comments on the blog, on Facebook and in personal messages and texts. I can't believe it! You all are pretty incredible people and I'm so grateful that, at least in some capacity, you are part of my life.

*disclaimer* If you messaged me and I didn't get back to you, please message me again. I was buried in messages!

After last week's post, I subjected myself to all the vulnerability of criticism (there was definitely some of that), support (TONS!) and facing my own demons. I needed the cleansing effect that "putting myself out there" gave me. I needed to be held accountable and lifted up by the 545 people that read my post. During the last week, I've been in kind of a meditative trance, trying to figure out my goals and plan of attack to best accomplish tackle my goals. I have a few marvelous people rallied around me and we are DOING THIS!! If you are motivated to do the same, let me know! Here's how it's goin' down!

Goal setting is obviously important. In fact, I found a website called www.positive-changes-coach.com and on it, I found this:

Goal definition can be important to your quality of life. This fact has been proven repeatedly through sound empirical research in psychology and social science as well as business and economics. Personal goal setting is important for things like ...

• Wealth, abundance, and prosperity
• Achievement
• Wellbeing and life satisfaction
• Motivation
• Increased self-confidence
• Hope and optimism
• Greater sense of control and effectiveness

I highlighted the bullet points that pertain to my weight loss-- all but ONE! Goal setting IS happening around here, y'all because who wouldn't want to reap those benefits? I wrote down my monthly goals and I'm working toward each one currently.

So here are my monthly goals. They are pretty simple, yet specific enough that I can't really cheat. If you can't see them in the photo, they are:

1. WATER- All day, every day. I sit all day at work and sometimes, I get a little bored. Or tired. And I convince myself that I NEED caffeine. I don't drink coffee, so at 3pm, when that familiar slumps tends to hit me, I will reach for WATER instead of pop. I drink out of a regular water bottle, so I use a permanent marker to tally my daily bottles of water.
2. Exercise 6 days a week. (Yes, SIX!) This is a challenge because I love sleeping in and being lazy on weekends. It can't happen anymore!
3. Portion control -- and snack often! When I "diet" I deprive my body of food in order to feel like I'm making progress with my goal. Then when I eat, it's a feast and I totally gorge on it! It's not pretty. SO-- smaller meals and snacks to keep me feeling full should do the trick!
4. Don't eat after 9pm. - This is tough because I usually eat at 6, so at 9:30 or so, I'm hungry for a little something, which is usually something terribly unhealthy. I will chug a glass of water, eat dinner and then keep the water flowin' all evening. Also I can sleep. Sleep instead.
5. Log food into www.myfitnesspal.com - My friend Kim turned me on to this app. It's. Amazing. You can add in recipes and it factors out nutrition facts based on serving size. You can scan barcodes of things you eat and track it that way. God bless useful apps.

Additionally, I'm reading this wonderful book called, "Made to Crave- Satisfying Your Deepest Desire With God Not Food" This book is not a how-to manual or the latest, greatest dieting plan.  is a helpful companion to use alongside whatever healthy eating approach you choose — a book and Bible study to help you find the “want to” in how to make healthy lifestyle changes.

Guys, so far, this book is blowing my mind at how I'm looking at food and my relationship with it. It's an easy read and it's the perfect personal development book as I start this journey.

FINALLY, I'm going to work harder as a Beachbody coach, starting with leading a challenge group! These groups are for people that want to get serious about their health but also thrive on having a support system. Mine will be a 90 day group, beginning on May 5, with my friend Katie! We are looking for 5-10 people who are SICK of making excuses and justifying their decisions about health and fitness. Those people should be committed to being the BEST version to themselves! Seriously ya'll, if you're interested, please let me know because this group is going to fill up fast- I already have 2 challengers ready to GO! I want this group to be AWESOME and SUPER successful!

I'm excited about turning over this new leaf in my life. I have never been "fat" but I've never had to try to fit into jeans either. I'm ready to be HAPPY!

My breaking point

Hi friends,
   It's been a long time since I've blogged, but I've been pretty busy and also, pretty lazy. Let me 'splain.

   Tomorrow marks 10 months of wedded bliss. In that time, I've gained back the 15 pounds I lost pre-wedding. In true early marriage fashion, I've enjoyed making elaborate recipes for (and eating them with) my husband. We are homebodies and enjoy being at home watching movies more than we enjoy going on a run together. We enjoy sleeping in and, because of our busy schedules, our time together is spent as lazy time. I have fallen in love with my job, at which I sit for most of the day. It's the curse of the office worker. These are not excuses, but reasons for my lack of interest in accomplishing the ongoing goal of being the best version of myself. In my head, my husband thinks I'm beautiful no matter what, so what's the problem? Who do I have to impress?

Myself. I need to impress myself and the simple truth is that I haven't done that in a long time.

   I choose clothes to wear not based on their style, but based on the fact that they fit and they are appropriate for work or church. I would LIKE to be stylish, but things just aren't as cute on "big" girls than on petite ones. I used to have things about myself that I loved. My butt, for example, has always been curvy and cute. Lately, it's big and lumpy. My thighs swish together. My arms jiggle like a lunch lady's. I have a double chin. I have to tuck my tummy in to my pants when I sit down and that weird pooch that women get after having tons of kids. In the last year, I've been told I'm "thick" and asked when my husband and I are expecting. Even in the back of the exercise class (where I feel most comfortable) a woman said to me, "us big girls have to stick together." A girl can only take so much in stride.

   Let me be clear- I don't need to be a skinny rail. But I do need to have confidence. It's been a fast decline in my confidence that is proportionate to the incline in my weight. I hate being in pictures. I don't wear tank tops, shorts or swimsuits. I can fit into my husband's pants comfortably. Aside from my husband, who tells me I'm beautiful several times daily... not because I need to hear it, but because he genuinely thinks that,  I can't remember the last time I was complimented for looking nice or thin. I know that's vain, but a girl wants to be told she looks nice.

I was lamenting this particular problem to my husband. His opinion is that it really shouldn't matter what others think-- shouldn't his opinion of me be enough? Nope. Sorry. I want a stranger or someone I haven't seen in awhile to compliment me. It seems more obligatory when your own husband tells you regularly. I am fully aware of how backwards that is, but at this point that's what I'm dealing with.

   The problem is not with working out. I work out, but I'm not the most consistent person in the world. The problem is not with eating well. I drink Shakeology and juice and focus on putting vegetables in everything. The problem again is consistency. I need a network of help and support to boost me up so I CAN be consistent. If I convince myself that I can lose 30+ pounds, I can, right? Right... but I don't have the confidence to do it.

   My breaking point came on Saturday. I have a job interview for a promotion at work coming up this week. My sweet husband called me on the way home from work and suggested that we go shop for a new outfit for the interview. I was so excited to get something new, springy, and stylish! I chose some cute skirts, tops, a few dresses and trotted off to the dressing room. Everything looked terrible. I tried different sizes and styles while still trying to be feminine and professional. A lady in the dressing room, who admitted she'd taken Benadryl that afternoon, felt compelled to give me her opinion on everything I tried on. "Well, you need a jacket."  "No one wears the right undergarments to buy clothes." "It's pretty busy." "I can tell you don't love it." When she said that, I wanted to yell, "Of COURSE I don't love it, lady! I'm 30 pounds + overweight and I'm completely uncomfortable in my own skin!" Instead, I went into the dressing room and fought back tears while donning my own clothes and returning everything to their hangers. My sweet husband was waiting for me ready to see what I had chosen. I couldn't even look at him for fear of bursting into tears... I just said, "I think I want to leave." We drove home in complete silence because he didn't know what to say or do to make me feel better.

And this is the part where I get a little angry...

I had a goal of losing 20 pounds before my family vacation this summer. That's not going to happen at this point because if anything, I've gained weight. I need HELP, friends. Any by people who are real. Not people that weighed 120 pounds to begin with and "really wanted to lose 3 pounds" or "just tone up a bit." SHUT UP. I don't have time for you and I don't care about your "struggles." I realize how awful that sounds but going from a size 6 to a 4 is not overcoming an obstacle. Spare me the, "If I can do it, anyone can" nonsense because that's not true at all. Oh you lost three pounds in a week? NEAT. I gained three pounds in a weekend. TOP THAT. I look at these pictures of myself and it's not how I see myself at all. That's why I have such a hard time looking at them, going shopping, etc. I don't see myself as a "big" girl.

So this is my hope and my plan: I vow to get healthier and look better. I will need your help and I'm sure I'll have more than a few frustrated blog posts, but I plan to be more accountable and consistent. Any help is welcome as long as you aren't judgmental. I'm intolerant of it. Hopefully soon I can start seeing the beauty my husband sees. <3