Friends, pay attention to this post because I'm going to want some feedback on this one! I'm at sort of a crossroads right now, which is what I'm told 'your 20s are all about.' Well, that may be so, but the same people that say that are the same people that ask me 'what I'm waiting for' to get married and asking me why there's no man in my life. Just the other day, an older family member and I were chatting and he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that ALL my siblings are married and I'm not. I'm sure I should take it as a compliment that they can't believe I'm not snatched up already, but I don't. At this point, it's just condescending and kind of rude. Isn't there more to life?
From my observation, there are 4 types of girls my age when it comes to dating:
1. The kind that try tirlessly and put themselves out there endlessly. They date different types of guys just to see what types are compatible with them. There is always the promise of happiness in the back of their heads (DAMN you, Disney!), however with every break up, that fades a little bit. Might I add that's a classic set up for cat lady spinsters everywhere.
2. The kind that settle early, meeting a guy and sticking with him no matter what, even though they don't really seem to be crazy about him. Did you know 30% of women walk down the aisle knowing that they aren't walking towards the right guy? THIRTY percent! These women want to make things work because they'd rather be settled than single. But are they really HAPPY? A lot of them put on a great show if they aren't. I truly hope they are, but I've already had a handful of friends get divorved.
3. The kind that find the love of their life and settle down. These couples are typically the most smug and act like they can't even a remember their single days, like it was a horrible memory they have to block out.
4. The kind that are normal and seamlessly settle down with a guy they are truly happy with. There aren't many of these, but I know a few.
I'll give you one guess as to which one I am.
My point is, and I'm even proving it right now, that SO many people obsess about relationships! Being single, while fun, is a constant question mark and sometimes very tiring. After my most recent relationship ended, I was talking to one of my best friends about how much I missed this guy. I KNOW that this guy isn't right for me. He isn't my "cake." Yet, I still obsess over why I can't make it work with him. My friend suggested that I take a year off from men. Cold turkey, just give 'em up and work on myself. This would be a great opportunity to work on myself and my goals, including my 30 x 30 list.
Before I go any further, let me explain my comment above about my "cake." A very wise friend of mine who listens to my love laments all the time (bless you, for that, by the way) asked me once if I would eat a cake that hadn't been fully cooked. Food analogies are awesome. Of course, I said I wouldn't. Then he said that I need to trust God to be the baker and know that He's baking me an awesome cake that isn't quite done yet. I think of that often.
Ok, back to my story. So-- I laid in bed last night weighing the pros and cons of this idea of not dating for a year. The terms would include no dating and nothing physical. Just focusing on myself and my goals. Is it ridiculous for me to "find myself" like a lot of spoiled college kids that take a year off backpacking around Europe to do the same? Am I throwing away a year of prime dating time? I fell asleep last night thinking about it and it's the first thing on my mind this morning. I'm hoping to glean a little advice out of you guys, so please help! Thoughts, comments, questions, SHOOT!
Happy Friday and long weekend!
Even though I have not read the entire book (hell not even past the first chapter) but Eat, Pray, Love seems a lot like finding who she truly is. Although I agree that most women are wrapped up in being with a man to measure their true happiness, you know my opinion. I am with someone now, and I am happy, but how long did it take for me to find him, and I still don't consider myself settled by any means. We do have fun together, I love him, and he is my best friend, but...our happiness does not rely soley on being with each other. It does not define who we are.
ReplyDeleteI had to know myself before I could go out and find someone who truly made me happy. I was single for 3 yers pretty much, and let me tell you, I had my blast of fun and soul searching for sure! Would I die if I was without a man right now, no. I may be upset for some time, but knowing who I am, what I want, where I want to be in life, and what is important to me, will get me back on my feet. You have to be confident in yourself, before you can be confident in your relationships.
Regardless of what your family thinks, or may say (and I do love your fam), you have to do what is right for you. We are ONLY 26! (25 for you) so we are still very young. There is no need to rush into any relationship or be freakin out because you haven't found the "one". I love your friends comment about the cake. So, so true! Follow that, and what you know is right in YOUR heart, and you will be just fine. Love, love, love :)
I agree about the cake comment...I LOVE it and I think it's true!!! I don't think that it would be a bad idea at all to take some time off from guys to get to know yourself better and figure out more of what you want in life. When I first moved I didn't talk to guys for a little while and yeah it sucks at times but it does kind of give you time to step back and look at your past and the relationships you have been in and figure out more of what you want and deserve! When I started talking to my guy it really was on just a friendship level and even after he was wanting it to become more I held off because I wanted to wait until things were more stable with him and I was sure that I was ready and able to handle a relationship with him. Back in the day you and I both know that just because things weren't stable that would not of stopped me and I honestly believe that I would not be where I'm at now with him if I had just ignored it all and dived right in! I also truly believe that the time off and time I took to look back over past things made me realize what I want and deserve again helping to get to where I'm at with him. It's not like if you're taking time off from men and really meet the right guy for you that you can't take things slow and build a strong friendship first to make sure that you're sure about things with him. Like Shanks said, we're only in our mid 20s it's ok....no matter what anyone else says...to not be in a hurry to settle down! Love you lots!!
ReplyDeleteDitto to the above - but also, you leave out some groups from your list of girls our age. One of which (and the best kind in my opinion) is the Awesome Ones. The men and women that recognize that if and when they are meant to settle down, they will. Que sera, sera. In the mean time, they are going to have a fucking blast. Hussy that she is, I still really like this quote from Angelina Jolie: "Figure out who you are separate from your family, and the man or woman you're in a relationship with. Find who you are in this world and what you need to feel good alone. I think that's the most important thing in life. Find a sense of self because with that, you can do anything else." I know that the Midwest Mindset can get to your head, but try your hardest to not let it get you down. You are beautiful, smart, kind and AWESOME and you will find someone that deserves that. So stop worrying about the losers and have fun! Travel, do the things you've always wanted to do. One more quote then I'll stop, I swear: "Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did." - Mark Twain.
ReplyDeleteLove you! XOXO
Okay, I lied. Two more:
“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the wind longs to play with your hair."
- Khalil Gibran