Formerly thin.

Cardio day was awesome yesterday, friends. I did a full hour of various cardio exercises. I was, yet again, a sweaty mess when I left. I even did 40 minutes on a machine next to a woman in her 50s-60s that gave me the stink eye the whole time. The. Whole. Time.

In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude."

On a positive note, I outlasted everyone in my section of the gym last night. I get to the gym and start exercising and my goal is to work out longer than the person that comes in after me. Some days are bigger challenges than others. Yesterday it was this woman who clearly had a death wish for me. She did cardio, abs, arms, legs, back, yada, yada, yada. This lady never quit.

But I eventually wore her down and she left. That's how I roll, yo.



This is me with my family, summer 2007. LOOK AT ME!
 

Then I went home and began packing a few things for my move. I stumbled across some photos from college. You guys, I ate like crap and drank a lot... HOW was I so thin?! Dang you, metabolism! Now I'm pretty sure I eat really well and exercise constantly and it's all I can do to take off 10 pounds. This is ridiculous. Is this my fate? To just get slowly larger and larger until I can't move? I envision something like Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka... the one that has to be juiced when she meets her demise. That's me.

I know that the number on the scale isn't everything, but I don't feel like I'm losing anything at all and no clothes I own fit me. I don't want my future children to look back on me and say, "wow, Mom you used to be so pretty/skinny." I don't want to push my struggles on them, even though genetics do play a part. I know after I have kids, my body will totally change and I'll struggle even more and I'm terrifed I'm always going to be that girl that could stand to lose a few pounds. A old friend used to describe it as, "five pounds from fat."



Me, second from the right 2006/2007ish. Flat tummy!

I think a lot of my negativity this week sprouts from my tiredness. I can't seem to get it together this week... I haven't really slept and when I work out in the mornings, I don't give it even close to my all. I'm stressed because of the wedding and all there is to do before the Big Day (37 days), although it doesn't seem like stress, because it's not like job stress or something. It's like a headache; it can come hard and fast and be really painful or it can stick around for awhile and be a dull ache for what seems like forever. Weddin planning stress a month out from the wedding is a dull headache of stress. I have SO much to do and and I'm totally overwhelmed.