I was born and raised in the town I'm currently living in. I moved away for college and some post-college adventures, but now I'm back, at least for the time being. While growing up, I had a lot of friends. I was very active in extra-curriculars, very involved with friends and a social life. Through college, I was the same way. I was blessed in my first job out of school to work with mostly people my age and in the same life stage, so that came with happy hour celebrations for...everything. Now back in my hometown, my old friends have gotten married, have kids, found new friends and are just too busy for rekindling the ol' friendship flame.
While formulating this post in my head, it began to sound like I was writing to the Dear Abby column asking for advice. In fact, my laments almost sound whiny. I get it. But, they do hold some truth to them. I know other people go through the same issues. I read a book sometime in the last few years call "MWF seeks BFF" by Rachel Bertsche. It was an impulse buy from Target that turned out to be an easy read, but it was worth it to me because so many women go through this part of life. How does one find friends?
It's easy when in school; there are sports, classes, gossip, extra-curriculars... the list goes on. Those common bonds result in friendships formed out of common interests. One would think that same thought process could be used in adult life. Do things you are interested in and you'll find friends.
Ok. I like to volunteer. For the last few years, I have read to a little girl at an elementary school once a week for an hour. Many of the adults there are older, have very established careers, they have children in middle school, etc. Basically, we have a common interest, but nothing else. Trying to form a friendship with the 48-year-old divorcee who works for a senator doesn't summon up thoughts of weekday lunches and weekend wine nights. Not to mention not one of those volunteers talked to me once in the 2 years I volunteered. Not. Once.
I also "like" going to the gym. By that, I mean, I go there out of concern for health and longevity. I do not enjoy going. However, there are friendship opportunities all over. Members can take classes based on their common interests, ages, etc. My gym doesn't have a lot of members that are my age (a feature I quite like... sparing use of elevator eyes by judging 20 somethings doesn't make for a fun gym experience). Again, no one has talked to me there. I have made a few friendly attempts to be conversational, but people aren't really there to chit chat.
I attend church regularly. One of the goals on the 30 x 30 list is to grow in my relationship with God. In order to do that, one must build relationships with other women of Christ. Titus 2:3-5 says, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." I took at class at my church on Wednesday nights for a few months. No one talked to me there either. They were polite and courteous, but as far as finding out more about me and vice versa, no dice.
My church is pretty large, so in order to make people feel more connected, like part of a church family, there are organized Life Groups. These groups meet weekly or bi-weekly to review the sermon, have a time of devotion and enjoy fellowship. At the summer church picnic, my fiance and I picked up a Life Group directory at a table advertising that groups were forming now. These groups are based, again, on common interests. Married 20s and 30s with preschool age children. 70+. College. Couples with middle-school aged children. I don't expect a rich crop of engaged people there, but there wasn't a group for us. The groups that came close, met on days that didn't work or they were full. FULL. A group of Christian people meeting in fellowship won't welcome new members?! Seems like country-club mentality. As a result, I don't have many church friends, but I also don't feel like part of a church family.
The aforementiond book, "MWF seeks BFF" studies one woman's quest to find friendship. She joins classes. She finds friends through mutual friends. She even looks online and friend-finding sites (yes, they exist). She joins a yoga class. She joins a book club. She goes on friend dates. She even paid a person to hang out with her! All to find the perfect friendships we crave from our childhoods.
It seems insane, but friends are essential to a person's wellbeing. Married couples surveyed said that friendship is more important in their relationship than physical intimacy. But a guy needs guy friends and a girl needs girl time. WHY? Same gender friendships communicate differently than mixed gender friendships. Females can discuss men, emotions, and can be all around relatable to each other in a way that isn't possible with men. The article I read on womensday.com listed 'shopping' as the number one reason that female friendships are important. The superficial reason aside, it's a form of bonding and women need to feel connected.
I must say, I'm not a total loser. My fiance and I got engaged and planned to move away. Now that we've changed our plans, we have both expressed a need to form solid friendships here. Any ideas on how to do that, please let me know.
Signed,
Friendless in the Midwest
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