Friendless in the Midwest

I was born and raised in the town I'm currently living in. I moved away for college and some post-college adventures, but now I'm back, at least for the time being. While growing up, I had a lot of friends. I was very active in extra-curriculars, very involved with friends and a social life. Through college, I was the same way. I was blessed in my first job out of school to work with mostly people my age and in the same life stage, so that came with happy hour celebrations for...everything. Now back in my hometown, my old friends have gotten married, have kids, found new friends and are just too busy for rekindling the ol' friendship flame.

While formulating this post in my head, it began to sound like I was writing to the Dear Abby column asking for advice. In fact, my laments almost sound whiny. I get it. But, they do hold some truth to them. I know other people go through the same issues. I read a book sometime in the last few years call "MWF seeks BFF" by Rachel Bertsche. It was an impulse buy from Target that turned out to be an easy read, but it was worth it to me because so many women go through this part of life. How does one find friends?

It's easy when in school; there are sports, classes, gossip, extra-curriculars... the list goes on. Those common bonds result in friendships formed out of common interests. One would think that same thought process could be used in adult life. Do things you are interested in and you'll find friends.

Ok. I like to volunteer. For the last few years, I have read to a little girl at an elementary school once a week for an hour. Many of the adults there are older, have very established careers, they have children in middle school, etc. Basically, we have a common interest, but nothing else. Trying to form a friendship with the 48-year-old divorcee who works for a senator doesn't summon up thoughts of weekday lunches and weekend wine nights. Not to mention not one of those volunteers talked to me once in the 2 years I volunteered. Not. Once.

I also "like" going to the gym. By that, I mean, I go there out of concern for health and longevity. I do not enjoy going. However, there are friendship opportunities all over. Members can take classes based on their common interests, ages, etc. My gym doesn't have a lot of members that are my age (a feature I quite like... sparing use of elevator eyes by judging 20 somethings doesn't make for a fun gym experience). Again, no one has talked to me there. I have made a few friendly attempts to be conversational, but people aren't really there to chit chat.

I attend church regularly. One of the goals on the 30 x 30 list is to grow in my relationship with God. In order to do that, one must build relationships with other women of Christ. Titus 2:3-5 says, "Older women likewise are to be reverent in behavior, not slanderers or slaves to much wine. They are to teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled." I took at class at my church on Wednesday nights for a few months. No one talked to me there either. They were polite and courteous, but as far as finding out more about me and vice versa, no dice.

My church is pretty large, so in order to make people feel more connected, like part of a church family, there are organized Life Groups. These groups meet weekly or bi-weekly to review the sermon, have a time of devotion and enjoy fellowship. At the summer church picnic, my fiance and I picked up a Life Group directory at a table advertising that groups were forming now. These groups are based, again, on common interests. Married 20s and 30s with preschool age children. 70+. College. Couples with middle-school aged children. I don't expect a rich crop of engaged people there, but there wasn't a group for us. The groups that came close, met on days that didn't work or they were full. FULL. A group of Christian people meeting in fellowship won't welcome new members?! Seems like country-club mentality. As a result, I don't have many church friends, but I also don't feel like part of a church family.

The aforementiond book, "MWF seeks BFF" studies one woman's quest to find friendship. She joins classes. She finds friends through mutual friends. She even looks online and friend-finding sites (yes, they exist). She joins a yoga class. She joins a book club. She goes on friend dates. She even paid a person to hang out with her! All to find the perfect friendships we crave from our childhoods.

It seems insane, but friends are essential to a person's wellbeing. Married couples surveyed said that friendship is more important in their relationship than physical intimacy. But a guy needs guy friends and a girl needs girl time. WHY? Same gender friendships communicate differently than mixed gender friendships. Females can discuss men, emotions, and can be all around relatable to each other in a way that isn't possible with men. The article I read on womensday.com listed 'shopping' as the number one reason that female friendships are important. The superficial reason aside, it's a form of bonding and women need to feel connected.

I must say, I'm not a total loser. My fiance and I got engaged and planned to move away. Now that we've changed our plans, we have both expressed a need to form solid friendships here. Any ideas on how to do that, please let me know.

Signed,
Friendless in the Midwest

A little update on the 30 x 30

Hello, world. It's been quite awhile since my last blog. My sister has taken up a blog also. With two children, she manages to find time to update hers fairly regularly, so I can too, right?

So let's get back to the root of this blog and go from there. My 30 x 30 list. I don't have very much longer to be "twenty something" so I better start checking things off this list a little bit faster than what I have been.


1. Get to a healthier weight and better shape and STAY THERE!
    Since September, I've lost about 10 pounds. Nothing major, but I've also almost had a complete overhaul in how I eat. Lifestyle changes are the hardest, but have great results!
2. Pay off car and most of school loans.
    The car is almost there! Sadly, I'll need a new car soon. The one I own currently has made it across the country twice, been the vehicle for several smaller road trips and has had to endure countless miles due to the travelling of my former job.
3. Journal about my life every week
   I WAS on the right track with this blog... I believe I'll jump right back into it!
4. Get Baptized (CHECK! I did this on March 20, 2010)
5. Attend church regulary/grow in my relationship with God.
    This is something I'm still working on and will always be. Our pastor is currently preaching a series on the importance of Christians' relationship The Holy Spirit. It's crucial and often overlooked, so.. that's my current struggle. This is something that will never be crossed off the list; I think the relationship one develops with God is constantly growing and changing. I plan to work on this forever.   
6. Go on a Global Village trip-
7. Run a 1/2 marathon every year-- or 3 5ks.
8. Get eye surgery - sadly, I don't think I'm eligible for this. I have terrible vision that consistently gets worse. Because of my varying prescription, I'm not a qualified candidate. Grr. Pray that my children inherit their father's vision! (which is perfect.)
9. Go to Europe with Kate (more on Kate later!) KATE is getting married and moving back to the States with her British hubs. Europe is still a goal though!
10. Volunteer Regularly (done and done. Giving back is a fantastic way to be connected to a a community and feel fulfilled.)
11. Ride in a hot air balloon
12. Go on a cruise (after the Carnival disaster recently where the ship was stuck out at sea for a week or so with no working bathrooms... no thanks. It may be awhile before I can be talked into that.)
13. Read the whole Bible (ambitious, for anyone who's tried. It's not a quick read!) I could read this, but to have any comprehension on what I'm reading takes time. My fiance has read the Bible in it's entirety four times. I'm hoping to one day read it once.
14. Take a photography course
15. Learn to make sushi
16. See the Golden Gate Bridge (or some other amazing US site)
17. Learn to change a tire & jump a car
18. Tour DC
19. Go to NYC for New Years
20. Get through 'book list' (more on that later as well!) Looking at this, I think this is pretty ambitious. In my current day to day life, I have a hard time getting through a book let alone a whole list. After the wedding, I'll have more time :)
21. Go to New Orleans for Mardi Gras
22. Skydive
23. Throw a drink in someone's face (it looks liberating! People in movies do it!)
24. Go on a float trip
25. Learn how to french braid, weaving in (I can only weave out) Done! :)
26. Visit all 50 states
27. Complete family tree I actually did this for my father's side of the family. It was interesting and fairly easy, considering that side of my family is entirely Swedish and Danish. However, when you get really into geneology, just how many Peder Pedersens were there in Denmark? I'll give you a hint: A LOT. The challenge is finding the right one. Now I need to conquer my mother's family, which is lesser known and harder to dig up dirt on.
28. Get Master's Degree- I quit my job at the non-profit I worked with for two years in favor of a position with a Christian company that has better hours and better pay. Additionally, I'm no longer scared of getting yelled at everytime I answer the phone. The idea behind taking this job is that I can focus on getting my masters. It's definitely something I want to do-- the school loans to do so make me nauseous.
29. Learn how to brew my own beer- This will happen after the wedding. I can't wait!
30. Visit the countries of my ancestry. Namely: Denmark, Sweden, Switzerland and Germany.